Having come to work for a seminary recently, I've been exposed to a more prayer than I'm used to, particularly surrounding the preparation to consume a meal. I find myself pausing in gratitude and mindfulness before I eat these days, and Thanksgiving is one meal that everyone takes that big pause of gratitude before.
We are having a Thanksgiving of 10 this year. Mom and grandpa are still in Florida, packing for their big move next week, so they won't be here. In thinking about the people who will be gathered at the table, I realized the times in which most of this combination has been gathered in the past have not been celebratory. And I am conscious of the very deep losses so many of us have experienced in the past five years.
Thanksgiving is a tough holiday. It's very much my favorite, but it will never again be a day experienced without the terrible, nagging reminder of fragility. As children we grow up with the idea of a wonderful day of eating and family and thankfulness for all the blessings in our lives. It's a day of warmth and wholeness.
But when you experience a loss from which you will never regain a complete sense of wholeness, Thanksgiving is a changed concept. Not a person sitting at our table will not be thinking of the people that should be sitting there too, or at least sitting at some Thanksgiving table.
Amanda made a great scrapbook page about the Thanksgiving the year after Sean died. It beautifully embodies the warmth and happiness of Thanksgiving, but also has a very poignant play of positive and negative space that displays the sentiment that it was a wonderful holiday... and yet something was missing.
Something must always be missing for most people at Thanksgiving. Aside from those who do not have enough to eat, who has not experienced the loss of a close loved one in life? I suppose I am fortunate that I had not had occasion to think about this emptiness until the last few years. Years in which we were indescribably grateful that some among us were still among us, and years in which we deeply felt the absence of those same.
At the same time Thanksgiving is a wonderful opportunity to stop and give thanks for all things in our lives and in our world that provide for and sustain us, it's also a reminder of the negative space in all of us. It's uncomfortable to recognize that at the holiday meal, for fear of bringing everyone down, but it is an element that should be honored. For to hold private our grief or sadness on a day of gratitude for what supports us in life seems somewhat counterintuitive to me.
